When I started to write these blogs, it was with the intention of helping people learn through my mistakes and to get, I don’t know, value? Out of the lessons I learned. To give meaning, not just to me (having learned and continue learning the lessons) but to other people who might have needed to find a space or someone who got it. Because I’ve been there.
And I’m genuinely hoping that’s what is happening. That the approach to first look within yourself and understand yourself, the whys, the hows, the whats that led to the decisions you made, that it started to make a bit more sense. Because once you understand the “method to your madness” you start to make changes. You now have a better understanding why you keep going after the situationship people, or why you have to fight things out until resolution. Or why the bar is so low, and why you set it so low.
But something shifted as I started to write more, dig more, create more, record more. Obviously most of what I’m sharing is personal experience, but I had to do a ton of work on myself through therapy and individual research, for many (many) years. And when I started the initial work, probably about 15 years ago, social media and influencers weren’t as big or as prominent. The work I started with was with myself, then therapy (admittedly because I was forced by my first husband due to my “anger” issues, which led to much deeper things, we will get into that so be patient!), and then loads of research and talking to other people, peers, people who were older and more experienced than me, people who were more learned than me.
During the dating hiatus phase, my Ready phase, I started to really like myself and my own company. This is probably when the introvert in me started to come to the surface. I always thought I was extroverted, especially as a child and more so as a young adult because I was always wanting to be around people, needing to be entertaining, telling the funniest stories, non-stop talking.
Exhausting just thinking about this right now. Poor Little Capy.
What I didn’t realize until much much later was that it was actually anxiety, not extroversion. If I was not anxious, I wanted to be alone. I prefer to be alone, calm and in my own peace. When I think about when I felt the most peaceful, it would be when I was alone in my room, with the door closed, reading. Avid voracious reader that I was, I wanted to spend all my time reading but only felt safe doing this at bedtime. During the day, from wake-up to bedtime, I was “on” and fueled on anxiety and people pleasing and desperate need to be liked and accepted.
Decades of this way of running and eventually you will crash. And I think maybe the dating hiatus was only accepted because I was exhausted and I knew that I had to stop performing. Which is probably why during the dating hiatus, when I would choose to spend time with myself because I craved the silence or the calm, I started to realize that maybe I wasn’t who I thought I was.
This was incredibly valuable. Then when I went to therapy (about a decade later), I found something I had never had before. Safety.
I was safe in this room with this person. For the first time in my life, I was working on myself with someone who wasn’t judging me, forcing me, or even trying to change me. They were providing their expertise in a safe space to help me get to where I didn’t even know I wanted to go. To be honest, therapy that was forced by the first husband was probably the true turning point towards the demise of that marriage but in the moment I just felt safe. I started to rewire some things that were so damaged that I didn’t even realize it wasn’t normal or ok, because that was my norm.
Then after years of therapy, and feeling like I got my shit together, well, I made a decision that while I don’t regret it (because I don’t regret my decisions and choices) I knew deep down that it wasn’t right for me. But words were said. At the altar. Of my very hot sunny second wedding. To the man that I married, screaming inside that this was the worst thing I could do but I didn’t want to be humiliated that the relationship I had after my first divorce, that while it wasn’t the only reason for the divorce, was one of the reasons, was the wrong choice. I wanted this relationship to work because it “had to”.
After that one went down the drain, rather suddenly, or at least suddenly for me, I had to take a really honest hard look at myself. I was beyond devastated. But not because my marriage had ended with him. Because it had ended in a second divorce and I was sure, absolutely sure, that my first ex-husband was chortling with glee at the demise of my second marriage. To the guy that he was sure I left him for.
Anyways, I digress, because this isn’t really about them, at least not yet. This is about the time that I spent alone and was sure I was going to be alone, by choice, with my two fat cats, forever.
It wasn’t heartache that dictated this. It wasn’t even fear. It was preference. The amount of heavy lifting I had to do in the second marriage made me think to myself what the fuck did he bring to the marriage aside from the occasional love bombing of gifts that he couldn’t afford, that I had to then pay for by giving him money for his credit card bills at the end of the month? I was the one paying the bills, while yes he paid the rent, not always on time, but I paid for everything else. I made sure the house was running smoothly, got up at 10pm to start cooking for him, to make sure his freshly cooked dinner was ready by the time he got home from his shift, to which he’d often not even come home as expected and instead would go out for drinks with his industry buddies after work, without telling me.
This is literally a tiny snapshot of what I was dealing with. There will be more. I promise.
But after this marriage ended, I honestly thought no, I wasn’t “emotionally” ready for anyone else. That thinking or considering someone else to love was too much. That I would rather die alone than go through that “heartache”.
No. I would rather BE alone than be saddled with another deadweight of a person that continually took not just my cookies, but the whole damn jar and then wanted more.
And this leads me to why we are here. Now years later, after the second divorce, with more research and work that I’m doing, and with social media being so prevalent things are coming across my feeds and suddenly I’m bearing witness to the absolute beyond bottom of the barrel that’s out there.
I’ve had friends and clients tell me that the pond is infested with mutated, diseased fish. They have sharp teeth and knife sharp scales. They hurt you if you get too close. And they would rather not risk that and instead preferred to be alone.
And I wasn’t really sure if this was an exaggeration. Because I tend to be more optimistic. I also feel that sometimes people go into looking for a partner with super unrealistic expectations and tend to not look at their values and non-negotiables and instead go for six pack abs and job titles.
But then I started to see, to hear all this incredible misogynistic rhetoric out there, and I needed to say something about this. Not as an angry woman, bitter and narrow minded, but as someone who feels that there’s always a way to find the rainbow after the storm.
No one completes you. Lemon Capy Love isn’t just about finding a partner. It’s first and foremost about finding yourself and finding the love for yourself. The respect. The compassion. The grace. The imperfections.
Lemon Capy Love isn’t just about how to find a partner. It’s about how to find you, and then if you want, how to find someone that fits you and your life. It’s not about needing to have someone to be complete. Instead it’s about needing to realize that you are more than enough. And the right person, should you want someone, recognizes that and appreciates that. That they add to your life, not deplete you or fill gaps. Those are your gaps to fill.
It’s for those of you, who have closed your garden, and have taken the time to cultivate and prune for life and have found fulfillment in this, alone, and are happy to stay in this peace, but also maybe a little curious about how to go about the search, how to navigate a different kind of environment. About how to know if you’re letting the right people into your garden.
Or not letting anyone else in because your peace is too important, too valuable to upend for someone who brings nothing to the table, or has expectations of you that you are not willing to meet. And your peace, the choice of your peace, is valid.
I think that we put too much on finding our soulmates and finding the one, and instead forget that first we have to find ourselves and protect our peace. We are our own soulmate and peace. We are complete. We are whole. Maybe you don’t feel like that and that’s where the work needs to be done. Our wholeness is not for anyone else to provide. Instead, it’s our responsibility to be whole, on our own. To look for additions that add value, not to fill a gap. To plug the leak that is from our lack of self-confidence or self-love.
Ready isn’t about finding a partner but about finding yourself. It’s internal. It’s having an idea of who you are and what you want.
Willing is about being open to who you are and being open to other people. That’s both internal and external. And only if you want to. Only if you’re curious.
Able is about knowing how to do it, how to navigate, how to trust yourself. It’s Capacity. It’s about making the right decision for you, the ability to set the boundaries, the non-negotiables and not bowing to other people’s expectations and comfort.
That’s what this is all about. Making the right choices for you. Alone or partnered doesn’t really matter because that’s not the purpose, the goal here. It’s about finding yourself, your wants, and your peace.
So I hope this gives you some food for thought. That as you sit in your garden, you’re making the right decision for yourself. Invitations are yours to give, if you want.
